Lost

Just had a talk with mum, and she has this weird tendency to make me think so deeply about my lack of efforts towards my studies that it gets me really frustrated. Not at her though, but more at myself. Though she really upset me yesterday but she rarely upsets me so nothing much for me to brood over. But, I'm so frustrated and feeling so lost. Like, is it me? Or is it the school? Or is it the papers? And I know I'll piss some off as I rant because many are worse off but this is my space so I just want to rant how I truly feel so I'm really sorry :(

I don't even know if how I did is considered well or not. Compared to many of my friends I should be really grateful, but compared to my own standards and the competitive nation out there, it's bloody crap. My L1R5 does not require ptc, but if this is were Os it can't even get me into a decent jc. And looking at my friends, I'm honestly wondering whether it is us, or it is the paper.

It can't be that we aren't smart, right? If we weren't, then how did we even get into this school in the first place? And it's not like we get into this school, we totally did not work. Some of us really worked for this and this is the kind of shit results we get. Ok obviously not like those elite school hardcore/closet madmen who study from morn till night, but we still do. Maybe not enough? But on the other hand, many of my friends from like neighbourhood schools can like do so well and I'm thinking, why aren't we doing as well as them? So it has got to be the paper, right?

Though at the end of the day it's onlyonly Os that matter, who's the one that is going to perform? If this prelim1 is a gauge then we're all just screwed. I don't even know what I'm doing. Study, study, study harder is all my mum can say, but does that really help? Am I missing out something? What does it take to do well????????? Some say study smart, but I'm not smart enough to figure out the smartest method that suits me so what am I supposed to do.

Maths and Science are like terror to me. They say memorise -> understand -> do. That's like, the most fundamental way of grasping a subject already. And that's what we do, but the paper comes up with some foreign shit and we're all just ... Then  you keep trying, and you keep trying, but nothing seems to change. And you just wonder to yourself whether you're a doomed failure with no hope. But if we have no hope, what about those in worse schools? My point exactly. Is it us, or the paper, or the school?

Boring stupid useless rant maybe one day I'll just delete this.