Trust

The best person to trust is yourself.

Don't think I'll be needing this space for awhile.

Last

I'm gonna miss Nan Hua so bad. Time is cruel.

Things I Love

I love reading. Not just any kind of books, but books that have the ability to transport me to another place, another time. Books that get me so involved, I feel every single emotion of the protagonist. Books that have that tinge of magic, and books that leave me feeling like I will never be the same person again.

I love being in the water. The coolness, the way you feel so free. Not tiring swim training or whatever. Just being in it. I feel instant relaxation, and I feel like I can do anything haha. That's why I want to be a mermaid. But while that dream is put on hold, I want to live by the beach and make it my home. Sun, sand and SEA anytime, and I will live the perfect boho-chic lifestyle. And submerge myself in waves everyday. Most importantly, being in the water invites back torrents of memories that make me and break me at the same time. It's bittersweet, and I'll never be able to find the words to perfectly describe it. Nor will I ever tell.

I love my childhood. I try my best to reconnect with many of them that are still highly appealing. And then I realize, these are timeless. Evergreen classic songs, classic shows, classic movies. I'm thankful to have a Dad who introduced me to the beautiful world of 80s-90s sentimental music. I also love all the old nickelodeon and Cartoon Network shows, and I watch them on YouTube very often haha. But most of all, I love Disney and all the magic its works contain. The beauty of shows like Tarzan, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, etcetc can never be imitated by anyone. They are my all time FAVORITES and I'm really vvvvvvvvv excited to go to LA after Os I think I'm gonna cry at Disneyland haha.

I love music. Really I can spend the whole day on my piano, listening to songs and writing the lyrics down and figuring out the keys and perfecting it. One of the many advantages of being able to play quickly by ear and I'm thankful for it. Music has been running in my blood since forever haha, and I can't live without both listening to it and making it. And I'm still feeling the beat of drums from last time haha I swear I'm gonna take it up. Without it this world would be nothing really.

I love traveling. I really love the idea of trotting all corners of the earth, experiencing different cultures, gathering new experiences, doing things I may never get to do ever again, and seeing sights that are magnificent to behold. I remember a friend telling me, "that's what everybody wants", but I beg to differ. Just today I was at National Geog with my family and most of them were just perched at the side playing their iPads while I was fascinated by bits and pieces of the world. And my cousin was like, you enjoy this lol? Haha well yes I do. And I know of many others who do too. The thirst for adventure and something new and foreign. At that, I love trying new things too.

I love food. I love tasting good food and I love tasting good food with friends who enjoy food. Even though there are many delicacies I don't fancy, like cockles and some seafood, I really do enjoy all other food and I try my best to at least try everything because I just love food haha. And I'm blessed with manyyyy friends who love food too and it's a joy sharing such greatness with them. My cousin and her skinny friends apparently think nothing of food and see it as just a necessary, and they eat most of the times at fast food joints, only grabbing quick bites to fuel themselves. But my friends and I, and I'm sure most Singaporeans, LOVE food and see it as an enjoyable activity. Well, some people are just like that I guess.

I love to write. Short stories, and more recently, my thoughts and my feelings. I think it's pretty healthy to pen down thoughts and feelings, and express them in your own terms. It makes me feel like my soul is being organized haha. I want to keep a record of all my experiences and of everything I am now, so that next time when I grow old, I'll never forget this piece of me. It's scary, to completely forget. Even if I won't be the same once I mature next time, I want to make sure there's a record of everything I've done and gone through so that I can carry the lost pieces of me for the rest of my life. After Os, I'm gonna get a big pretty book as a photo journal and I'll fill it with everything. My travels, memorable days, thoughts and feelings, and fill them with photos.



I don't even know why I have the sudden urge to type out the things I love. Maybe it's to relieve exam stress or something but I'm not even feeling any stress haha. Well, it's just something I felt like doing, and I feel darn good having done it.

Leaving

People come and people go, often taking their empty promises along with them. It leaves you feeling empty, and hollow. How can someone just disappear like that? Sad fact, but life still goes on anyway. It's so important to be practical when it comes to guarding your feelings. And I'm talking about everyone and anyone. A friend. A lover. Anyone who means anything to you. You let people in, and the next thing you know they are gone. Anyway, God brings people in and removes them for a reason. It's always comforting to know that anything that happens has a purpose, and life has already been written out by His terms. Anyhow, I thank all the people who have been in, and who have made me who I am today. Memories will always stay golden.

Complacency

Received all my prelim2 results today and feeling really happy with it. All by God I really thank Him for being my strength and solace through it all. But I'm really afraid I'll slacken after this. This is not even the real battle sighhh somebody wake me up from this marshmallow and cotton candy dreamland. I will fight till the end, and I really pray all my disheartened friends will keep their chin up and give it their all. 2months and EVERYTHING will be over!!

I. Will. Not. Be. Complacent.

Anything

Anything, for just one last race.

Wander

21 September 2012 was spent as an enchanting day in the woods with my beautiful girls (:

Had a wonderful, lovely time. I luv you guys to bits and pieces. And the day ended off perfect with a hearty Botak Jones meal, and sending sweet texts to Ger to get well soon haha the poor thing was so cute with her either *extremely high helium voice* or her extremely low bass voice we couldn't stop laughing. That was me exactly 1year6mths back after Justin's concert haha.

Went to Ben's house with Ruiying Dawn and Natalie today.. without Ben haha ironic. Since I'm allowing myself to rest till Monday, I read my book, listened to music and played Bridge while the rest of them mugged. Went home to a family gathering, and ate grandma's delish cooking as well as my favourite mooncakes!!! And Daddy just left for Paris on business trip. Hope he finds nice and beautiful things for me in the City of Love (: Wish him journey mercy and may God be protecting him.

Excited

Prelim 2s are going to be over, and me and my friends are like planning so many exciting things for the weekend already yes I'm very excited and I hope to take good shots (:

Waiting for my brother to finish his dinner and I want to go downstairs to swim. It's been 3 looong weeks and I feel downright unhealthy. Time to change that and burnnnnnnn. Exams are just bringing out the worst, causing moodiness, stress, an accumulation of fats. Oh, it's pretty funny how not a single day goes without hearing someone say 'i can't wait for Os to be over'. There's just too much to look forward to! I'm gonna give myself a break after the last paper this week and have fun with my girls, before starting Os preparation again (:








"It's been so long, it's almost like you were fiction. All those happy times, long gone, seem like a distant fairy tale"

Determination

The days are just passing by and I'm getting more and more numb and accustomed to exams. Prelim2s are just mad and I think I might get even worse results than prelim1. It's ok I commit it all to God.

Anyway, I bought some nice papers to brighten my mood and filled them with bible quotes that help spur me on and know that I'm never alone. I'm going to paste them on my study wall so Everytime I feel like dying all I have to do is look up :) and thoughts of Genting, the States, and HK are rly helpful in brightening my mood but really distract me at times. It's ok there's so much to look forward to after Os and that's what's gonna drive me to be determined.

Don't

When I want to forget something, very badly, I shouldn't talk about it. I shouldn't share it; not even with my closest friends, family, or even a personal diary.

If I need to let out, and sharing it has a therapeutic effect, then it's fine. But if it's useless and I want to just forget it, then keep in mind. Just don't talk about it. Not anywhere. The more you share, the more it's just going to linger. I shouldn't think about it too, but thoughts are one of the toughest thing to control. Or maybe I just haven't tried hard enough.

September

Had awesome fun at Leila's on Monday, celebrating her birthday, and it was Jiamin's birthday too :) went crazy in her condo's cool karaoke cum movie room and we sneaked our snacks and pizza in haha it was funny. Watched 27 Dresses, such a sweet rom-com I love it. I'd pick rom-coms over horror movies anytime anyday in a millisecond but I always end up watching horror thanks to my classmates' preferences. It's ok one day I'll call my girls up and we'll have a rom-com movie marathon without those sadists. Had fun singing oldies which I loveeeee, and we were going so mad that people outside studying could hear us. Facetimed Chanhong before I left and she showed us her hotel.

Spent that night watching A Walk To Remember till 3am, and it's one of the sweetest movies ever. The storyline is nearly identical to Keith, which I went crazy over cus it starred the young Jesse McCartney, but A Walk To Remember came out before that I think and the way they spun the tale was so much sweeter and more engaging I loved it :') even Jesse's handsome face couldn't save it.

Ended up waking at 1pm the next day and I was so frustrated cus I set my alarm at 9am to do work, but as usual, slept past it. Had tuition at night, and Ms lee is really very cute and funny haha. Me, Renee and Sermin scared ourselves stupid with ghost stories, and when we walked out of the centre there was this eerie violin playing and we got so scared but it's really so stupid I can't stand it haha. It's ok my God protects me I have no fear.

To punish myself for waking up late, made my parents wake me up before they went to work so yep I was forced out of bed by 7am today. Under no circumstances. Probably the first time in my life. Tidied up an Amath p2 and i better get started on Chem soon. I really can't wait for all these to be over. 3 MORE MONTHS I CAN DO THIS.

Teachers' Day

On the day of English Prelim2, i felt really empowered thanks to my brothers and sisters in christ and i felt good sharing what i had to share. I thank God for them. Had an AWESOME time with 403 after our Paper, played like crazy with the 5 of them, and I felt so happy it's been so long since we had fun together like that. Went GROCERY SHOPPING at lot1 with 403 later to buy food for class picnic, and had the best time making sandwiches, pasta salad and chilling at yingsuan's. Really had a lot of fun it's been quite some time since I felt that happy and relaxed :)

Teachers' day the next day didn't go as wonderful as I hoped it would, but it's ok we had a fun time eating and parts of the concert were really entertaining.

Met Dawn, Ruiying, Natalie, Andy and Ben after that and walked down memory lane, chilling at our old hangout spot. I really miss those times. And ACS boys are just so.. Proper haha I can't stand it. Never dare to make a fool out of themselves I swear. Played all our favourite games and really felt like a kid again. Had fun making videos by the piano in the evening haha it's seriously damnnn cute!! Hope Natalie mails the vids to us soon haha.

Then

It's amazing how we looked so happy in these photos. It was really genuine happiness, and that was mostly what we were feeling then. I miss that.

I hope after all these are over, prelims, Os and personal problems, we'll be as happy again. I miss the way we played, laughed, and went crazy.

Beats

Went to my malay ex-neighbour's house to celebrate Hari Raya today. Our families used to be really close and I remember me and my brother running over to their house all the time when I was little to play with their sons and their goddaughter. I remember being very close to their son who's the same age :)

But times are different since we moved away. We only see them once a year now. I still remember our beautiful mansion être. Theirs is perfectly decorated to the last detail man I absolutely love their English-style decorations and they travel the world in such style, evident in all their photo displays, particularly Aussie and Europe. Stonehenge, venice, Paris, Sydney, Canberra, scotland, London, quaint unheard of towns, Old Trafford omg they've been everywhere. And all self drive. That's the coolest travel ever when I grow up I am going to travel exactly like them. And decorate my house like theirs too haha.

Anyway, I got my old childhood friend to show me his skill on his electric drum set, and he's seriously damn good. Then I got him to teach me some beats haha it was damn fun I love it. Though I really think I should've picked up faster. Played to Just The Way You Are and man The feeling of playing it is indescribable, like even better than the piano. But maybe it's cus I've been on the piano/keyboard for nearly 10years so maybe it's getting more boring. BUT NO IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN PLAYING THE GUITAR, like by a 100x. I am determined to pick it up after Os, or I should just go to his house more often and get him to teach me haha. Aiya, shouldn't have more away if I continued running to his house everyday I might be as good as him hahaha.

Had swimming after that, feeling pretty good about it :) I thank God for a great day.

Exhausted

I am exhausted. I am frustrated. I am very very very very very tired.

Wasting my tears once was enough. Now again. I don't want to be affected anymore. Mummy says to leave you be too. I'm so thankful i told her right from the start. It made things so much easier to explain when she saw me in that state when i was with the dancers. And they were so cute haha trying to cover up saying it was because chan was leaving/tears of joy or something. They didn't have to she knows.

So that's it. I'm done. With you. To think I even had a glimmer of hope when YOU asked to talk to me.

I'm really so tired.


P.s I'm sorry Chan. I hope you'll lead a beautiful like in the UK and I wish you all the best!

Tired

So tired. Of everything and for everybody.

It's okay guys we'll all pull through.

Summer paradise

One day, I will live out my dreams of having the craziest summer by a pristine beach. I will cliff dive, snorkel, explore caves, banana boat, parasail, deep sea dive, sip a cocktail while I lay on a hammock and watch the sun set, dip dye my hair, wear all things boho, have a summer romance, shop the beach streetside stores in a bikini and eat delectable food. Ok actually I had a similar experience in Krabi a few years back but it wasn't as crazy and wild as I want it to be now :) I want to go crazy and fly at my favorite place on earth. One day, I will.

Forever and Always

This song is stuck on replay.

I am going to have this played at my wedding haha.





Just mass downloaded a whole lot of songs, many of which are old and I'm very happy :) I haven't converted them to fit into my ipod yet though that's gonna be a whole lot of work tomorrow. Going to have extra amath help at kap tomorrow hope I can wake up on time.

Great Day

Had Amath tuition in the morning. Ever since I've started, I've been feeling really good that my Saturday mornings have finally become productive. If not for this every sat I'd sleep till 2pm and then get frustrated at myself. I really hope all this effort I'm putting in will pay off. I will continue to work very hard even though I dread it. Daddy told me "3 more months. Then, you can fly" haha I don't know why it sounds funny coming from him.

Watched Bourne Legacy with my brother, Jonathan and Abigail today :) not really my kind of movie but something Jonathan would really enjoy haha. But the action was great though, just a little confusing cus I didn't catch the first few installments. Had dinner with the rest of my family at White Dog Cafe after that and I had a Chicken Quesadilla and shared a brownie Sundae with my brother it was so good.

When we went to the toilet, the queue was like damn long so we asked grandma to use the handicap toilet, which I feel is quite reasonable since she's old and has difficulty walking and stuff, but when she tried to go in these 3 fit and healthy middle aged women told her to queue behind them. Lol me and my aunt were like, seriously? What's the matter with some people it's bad enough you're healthy and using the handicap toilet, you ask my old grandma who has difficulty walking to queue behind you. Don't get how some people have no sense of shame. Had a mind to tell them off but then I remembered mommy telling me the importance of being a peacemaker and the verse "be quick to listen, slow to anger", "anger resides in the laps of fools". I still detest such behavior though.

Anyhow, today was a good day out with my family :) time to hit the Sacks!

Confused

Had English Olvl oral yesterday and I was so glad when they asked a conversation question nearly exactly the same as my prelim. It's really God's favor I thank Him for that, and the fact that all of us prayed together in the morning and before the exam just gave me peace and confidence. Thank you. I think I did well, except I accidentally let the word 'pork' slip out of my mouth and one examiner was Malay. I was so afraid to appear insensitive but Ms Chng said it was fine so I believe her :) oh and Bingming and Yokekee are the most irritating guys on earth. But while we were waiting, I was glad the situation turned around and we had a great talk with occasional spasms of laughter while waiting for our turns together with Arne and Ningshen. I'm really happy with my performance! Confidence is really so important, and I'm learning to master it every step of the way :) not just for oral but in everything that I do.



-





I don't even know if this is worth saving anymore. I don't even know whether or not i treasure this. It's so much better to just leave you be. No more false hopes, and I feel so much less burdened. But still, I feel unrest and disturbed at times, but it's all right. This is so much better than all the bullshit we were put through before. We're tired and we don't deserve to be hurt. Times and times of trying, maybe enough is enough.

Past weeks

The past 2-3 weeks I haven't been blogging were packed to the brim with never ending activities and good food, all of which have made me one very happy girl :)

Two Tuesdays ago I went for a great Japanese Buffet dinner at Central with the warren swimmers, and the treat was on Billy to thank us for helping out at the swim carnival! Awesome night filled with laughs, and even though the topic of smoking slightly ruined the night, I had a great time overall. Was so full after that, we walked from Central to CityHall and got Starbucks and laughed along the way. Took a cab home with Yiheng and I still owe him the money I wonder where he is now.

Then I had a second buffet the tuesday after at Melt restaurant, Mandarin Oriental to celebrate Mommy's birthday!! That's like my fav buffet restaurant; I went there during my birthday :) had a great time with my family and the food was just too good to be true. Pity the BBQ station was closed :( was feeling so guilty having eaten 2 buffets in 2 weeks. So unhealthy. But couldn't care less now I love food and I love my friends and family! Was feeling so guilty for missing night study too.. But forget it haha.

That same week we celebrated national day, and I had a great day with 403, netball and filming our dreams for the class video and all. Went to meet Ruiying, Dawn, Andy, Hulin, Yujin and Adam after that and had a semi-productive study sesh at the old macs. Met Pristine and Ariel after that for the Metamorphosis Dance concert and saw my sec3 juniors! The concert was rly touching and to be able to dance like that when you are a special needs person is really beyond me. "God loves each and every single one of us and no one is forgotten"

On friday, had lunch with mom, Azriel, Natalie and her mom and littlest sis at a Thai restaurant at rail mall. THE FOOD WAS SO GOOD I LOVE THAI FOOD. It's like my fav cuisine :) caught Brave with Natalie after that and I loved it I love Disney movies they always make me so happy. I think I'll cry when I visit Disneyland CA end of year haha it's where all my childhood fantasies lie. Had a productive study sesh at my house afterwards and that blur girl left her cookies at my house. She also raided my photo albums and found our p1 class photo haha.

Right now, it's time to focus everything back on studying. All my energy and time I am determined to pump in to achieve what I want, with God to guide me every step of the way. 2 more months, time for ENDURANCE.

Pictures are all jumbled up cus the itouch app for blogger just sucks at uploading images. But it's ok you can figure it out!

The night is young

Had a long week, studying nearly 12hours every single day including school. It's like after school, automatically we stay in class to do work till night study, then at most half an hour break before night study till 8.30 and it's quite draining. Especially when the night study environment is sometimes so bad it pisses us off.

Yesterday was a great day with 403. I'm really so proud of our class. The skit went terrific and we had an awesome time jumping rope. Had a stupid Chinese mock test after school that literally killed our brain cells. I really hate higher Chinese. But for the sake of dropping it in jc, I must persevere. Lol if I go to poly I'll just be so angry at myself, wasting time doing this shit. Played ultimate frisbee and had great fun after that cus I think we just couldn't take all the studying anymore. Had night study and it was so freaking noisy 403 was just ticked off. Went to corners of the school to study instead.

Today, had Chem SPA 3 and it was ok. Went home to study after that, and then went to meet beans for supper/late dinner. Spent quite a short time tgt but it was still really nice just chilling :) we were all rushing for our last trains and buses haha, and reached home 12 on the dot which I think is one of the earliest when I hang with these people haha. Can't wait to see them soon!

Thunder

I think I'm just not cut out for blogging, lost the liking I had for it in sec1 and I'm just so so lazy to update.

Anyway, went for Star concert last Sunday, and that hour BoysLikeGirls performed was most probably the best hour in my life. Yes, even better than Justin's concert. The energy they brought was freaking awesome, and the best part was, WE CAUGHT THE COUNTDOWN BOARD 2 DAYS TO #CRAZYWORLDEP which is already out :)

When they threw the board and it flew in our direction, all of us just immediately started clamoring and grabbing at it.. Till we realized we were fighting ourselves and we mistook each other for other fans haha EPIC RELIEF. Acts that followed up after that were sort of blah, except Hady's You Give Me Wings love that song. PHOTOS.

Lost

Just had a talk with mum, and she has this weird tendency to make me think so deeply about my lack of efforts towards my studies that it gets me really frustrated. Not at her though, but more at myself. Though she really upset me yesterday but she rarely upsets me so nothing much for me to brood over. But, I'm so frustrated and feeling so lost. Like, is it me? Or is it the school? Or is it the papers? And I know I'll piss some off as I rant because many are worse off but this is my space so I just want to rant how I truly feel so I'm really sorry :(

I don't even know if how I did is considered well or not. Compared to many of my friends I should be really grateful, but compared to my own standards and the competitive nation out there, it's bloody crap. My L1R5 does not require ptc, but if this is were Os it can't even get me into a decent jc. And looking at my friends, I'm honestly wondering whether it is us, or it is the paper.

It can't be that we aren't smart, right? If we weren't, then how did we even get into this school in the first place? And it's not like we get into this school, we totally did not work. Some of us really worked for this and this is the kind of shit results we get. Ok obviously not like those elite school hardcore/closet madmen who study from morn till night, but we still do. Maybe not enough? But on the other hand, many of my friends from like neighbourhood schools can like do so well and I'm thinking, why aren't we doing as well as them? So it has got to be the paper, right?

Though at the end of the day it's onlyonly Os that matter, who's the one that is going to perform? If this prelim1 is a gauge then we're all just screwed. I don't even know what I'm doing. Study, study, study harder is all my mum can say, but does that really help? Am I missing out something? What does it take to do well????????? Some say study smart, but I'm not smart enough to figure out the smartest method that suits me so what am I supposed to do.

Maths and Science are like terror to me. They say memorise -> understand -> do. That's like, the most fundamental way of grasping a subject already. And that's what we do, but the paper comes up with some foreign shit and we're all just ... Then  you keep trying, and you keep trying, but nothing seems to change. And you just wonder to yourself whether you're a doomed failure with no hope. But if we have no hope, what about those in worse schools? My point exactly. Is it us, or the paper, or the school?

Boring stupid useless rant maybe one day I'll just delete this.

Happy

Received quite a lot of my prelim 1 results today. Some have made me real happy and others have not, and I really wonder whether or not I could've done better for the papers that have upset me.

Frankly I'm always afraid to talk about results with my friends, cus I think I easily wind up saying stuff that makes them feel even worse - and that makes me feel like shit. But I think I'm really insensitive when it comes to results, and I'm trying real hard to change. In this aspect, I think the only person I can really talk to is my mum. But sometimes it backfires, and she ends up nagging and saying I haven't tried my best instead and I'm like :'(

My heart really breaks when any of us feel sad. I just want everybody to score well and be happy together. There's still the eventual Os! Hope that all those disheartened won't give up, cus I believe in happy endings :) we'll graduate happy, receive our results happy, and all be happy. Ok I know abit idealistic but still that'd be a dream come true.

Foreign

HI ALL.

It's been 2 years since I've last blogged, and I'm feeling real foreign to it now so please forgive me if I post bullshit. Anyway I'm actually feeling quite upset right now because I've forgotten the email I used for my previous blog, so I had to recreate everything and all my old posts won't be here. Oh well, new beginnings are always good :) That blog was filled with embarrassing crap anyway!

It's been a long 2 years, and during this whole period, I've gained beautiful new friendships, and strengthened existing ones too. I'm extremely blessed to have these people in my life.



403

BEANS

Of course there are many other friends whom I love like my dancers and my cell mates, but these two are my closest group of friends and I thank God everyday for them.

Anyway time to turn in. Getting back more prelim papers tomorrow reallyreally hope I'll do well.